As a Biblical counselor, I am always reading and investigating ways to relate the Bible to everyday life. God’s wisdom applied to man’s relationships will always produce good results.  

Recently I was reading an article entitled, “The Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse: 4 Relationship Habits That Predict Divorce’ by Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT.  She states, “The Four Horsemen are four communication habits that increase the likelihood of divorce, according to research by psychologist and renowned marriage researcher John Gottman, Ph.D. Those four behaviors are criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt. Gottman named these four communication habits as a play on the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in the Christian Bible’s New Testament. Those four horsemen — conquest, war, hunger, and death — signaled the end of times. Similarly, when there is a chronic use of Gottman’s Four Horsemen, research has shown the relationship is likely to become unstable and unhappy and, in likelihood, will end.”

I would like to examine these four behaviors applying them to marriage, friendships, and to a personal relationship with God. They are criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling and contempt.

Criticism is the expression of disapproval of someone, or something based on perceived faults or mistakes. 

Defensiveness is the quality of being anxious to challenge or avoid perceived criticism. 

Stonewalling is to delay or block a request, process, or person by refusing to answer questions or by giving evasive replies. Simply put, stonewalling is a refusal to communicate or cooperate. 

Contempt is the feeling that a person or thing is beneath consideration, worthless or deserving scorn. Distain, disrespect, mockery, ridicule, and disgust are similar words.

These fours behaviors signal the end times in our relationships with others and in our relationship with God.  I have often wondered how a person got to the point where he didn’t believe in God, denied him, and mocked him. This progression of criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt explains how a person arrives at this destination.  Total unbelief is rooted in the pride of criticism. It is fertilized in defensiveness and justification of self. It takes on its own identity when  communication between man and God ends. It becomes antagonistic when contempt blooms. 

Likewise in marriage, the same progression occurs. When you see a couple so excited and in love on their wedding day, then several years later you see them in divorce court, it doesn’t make sense. The cycle of criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling and contempt has produced its fruit and you hear “irreconcilable differences” as the judge’s gavel sounds the end of a once hopeful, loving marriage.  

How do you break this cycle in your relationship with God and others?  The answer is simple — repent. In the Hebrew, Old Testament language, repent means to rearrange your entire way of thinking, feeling and being in order to forsake that which is wrong. “Teshuva,” repentance, is returning to what is right and pure. 

In the Greek. New Testament language, repent means a change of mind, thought or thinking so powerful that it changes one’s very way of life. “Metanoeo,” repentance means thoroughly changing or turning from evil to God and righteousness. 

The Biblical meaning of repentance is so much more formidable than shedding a few tears and saying you are sorry. It requires change.  

Repentance from the four horsemen of criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling and contempt will save your marriage, your friendships, and your relationship with God. It  is not something you “have to do” but something you “get to do.” Christ died so you could have the power and the freedom to repent.

In closing, here is an example from Earnshaw of what happens when we don’t change our four horsemen habits:

• Person 1 makes a complaint: “I am so tired at the end of the day, and it is so frustrating for me to walk into a sink full of dishes.”

• Person 2 responds with defensiveness to perceived criticism: “Why is that my fault? You are always blaming me for everything!”

• Person 1 defaults to criticism: “I did not say it’s your fault! But you never listen, and you always just make it about you!”

• Person 2 begins to stonewall: “I don’t even want to talk about this anymore.” (looks away)

• Person 1 falls to contempt: “I don’t want to talk to you anymore (in a mocking voice). Of course, you don’t. Your parents never taught you how to talk about anything. It’s pathetic.”

Now, here is an example of what can change and how we can repair our relationships.

• Person 1 makes a complaint: “I am so tired at the end of the day, and it is so frustrating for me to walk into a sink full of dishes.”

• Person 2 responds with defensiveness to perceived criticism: “Why is that my fault? You are always blaming me for everything!”

• Person 1 makes a repair: “Hey babe, did you think I was criticizing you? I wasn’t. I was just complaining.”

• Person 2 also makes a repair: “Oh, sorry. OK, what’s up?”

• Person 1 tries a gentle startup: “I have noticed when I get home lately, the dishes are in the sink, and I feel so frustrated when I see that. I need us to come up with a solution.”

• Person 2 takes responsibility: “You’re right. I have really been slacking on that. I need to come up with some ideas for keeping up with it because I agreed that would be my thing.”

• Person 1: “I really appreciate that. And if it’s too much, let’s just talk about what to do instead.”