When I was in sixth grade, my impassioned 4-H speech about the possibility of extraterrestrial visitors didn’t even merit an Honorable Mention (my fifth-grade speech about our thumb-sucking cat had taken me all the way to the county level!); so I can empathize with those military intelligence officials who are being ridiculed for the existence of the Advanced Aerospace Threat Identification program.

Surely, you’ve heard about the New York Times investigation of the Pentagon’s secret UFO research program, a classified operation which supposedly ended in 2012.

I can’t really blame the Department of Defense for having wanted to explore unexplained aerial phenomena, whether the mysterious aircraft ultimately turned out to be little green men, Russian test pilots or quirky atmospheric conditions. The Pentagon was trying to be proactive and avoid wails of “Why didn’t you warn us?” if disaster struck.

But they were realistic enough to cut their losses before they were faced with having to justify $800 military toilet seats in a universe in which some races teleport their waste products straight from their digestive organs into the heart of the sun. (”Zorg, you have a booger hanging from your — Ha ha! Guess it’s halfway to a black hole by now.”)

Considering the potential for enhanced national security and quantum leaps in technology, I wonder if other cabinet-level departments and government agencies have their own clandestine UFO operations? 

Don’t assume that the press or congressional watchdogs would have already told us about these operations if they actually existed. Deep within the bowels of our bloated federal bureaucracy, you would probably find undying organizations such as The Committee For Harassing Those Redcoat Rapscallions, or The Board of Regulating Wagers On Where President Lincoln Will Spend His Retirement.

I have it on good advice that the Department of Transportation would love to find out the effect of near-light speed on fuzzy dice and pine tree air fresheners, as well as the psychological effects of hearing “Are we there yet?” all the way from Alpha Centauri.

If pressured enough, the Department of Veterans Affairs might admit, “Yes, we scooped up the Roswell crash victims in 1947 — and hope to perform their alien autopsies any day now!”

The National Park Service probably has a shadowy deal with the Ad Council to disseminate the message “Remember: only you can prevent death rays.” 

Right this minute, the Federal Emergency Management Agency might be asking the Martians, “How can you possibly call yourselves civilized without flood plains to keep re-building on?”

The Library of Congress wouldn’t care about the military applications of silently hovering flying saucers; they would see a high-tech way to shush those mouthy hooligans in the archives!

The Department of Labor would get its giggles just hearing aliens demand, “Take me to your union leader.”

Don’t think it’s all at the national level. Your local Department of Motor Vehicles has probably been dealing with outer space aliens for years. Admit it: most of those driver’s license photos could be used to get a bug-eyed monster a job, an assault rifle or a six-pack.

I hope this column hasn’t upset any aliens who may be counting on continued hush-hush dealings with our government. I would hate to get a visit in the middle of the night from — Awwwww … they’re a race of big thumb-sucking cats! Hey, let’s go buzz the 4-H headquarters!

Danny Tyree welcomes email responses at tyreetyrades@aol.com and visits to his Facebook fan page “Tyree’s Tyrades.” Danny’s weekly column is distributed exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. newspaper syndicate.