Dear Football Gods,

We are contacting you today to negotiate with you some long-overdue restitution on behalf of the Georgia Bulldog Dawgnation.

Our advisor emeritus, Larry Munson, spoke of you regularly and how it was you who solely controlled what happens inside any given football game. He was especially vocal about the influence of your CEO, Old Lady Luck, who apparently always smiles down on teams when good things happen to them.

So, armed with that knowledge, we finally write this official letter to your board of directors.

As you know, the Georgia Bulldogs are preparing to play for the college football national championship. This will mark the fourth time in the last 80 years this has occurred. But clearly because of you, they’ve won just once, in 1980. We realize that may not be a long time for gods but for humans? Trust us, that’s a pretty good stretch.

And, because of you, the Bulldogs will now have to play Alabama in the national championship game. Again.

Yes, the same Alabama that beat them a month ago. Again.

How can any of this be possible without your influence? And that’s far from all of the incriminating evidence. Let’s review, shall we?

As you surely remember, just a few years ago Georgia played Alabama for the national championship and led by double digits. It got so bad Alabama benched its starting quarterback and played a guy who had never even started a game. Leading in overtime, UGA sacked him and created a second and 26 play. But clearly solely because of your cruelty he then proceeded to throw a touchdown pass over two of our players on the very next play and crush our red and black souls. Again.

Just a month ago, everyone and their brother firmly believed undefeated and #1 ranked Georgia would beat Alabama for the SEC championship. So what happens? You render our “generational” defense powerless, help Alabama win by 17 points, and secure another Heisman trophy for an Alabama player. Again.

The fourth Heisman for them in the last 13 seasons, might we add.

Georgia has lost to Alabama seven straight times. As it stands, a lot of folks down here believe that Alabama must have some of you or Lady Luck in particular on their payroll because you always seem to act in their favor (we won’t even bring officiating into the discussion — can you say “Tyler Simmons”?).

Alabama head coach Nick Satan..err, Saban…already has seven national championships. Alabama has 18 overall. Georgia has two. Even Ray Charles could see the discrepancy there.

We present the following years for Georgia as further evidence of your bias: 1982. 1992. 1997. 2002. 2007. 2012. 2017. 2019. And that doesn’t even bring into account the individual moments that have led to PTSD for Georgia fans. Three words for you: Jasper Sanks fumble.

I could say more, but we believe our case is as clear as Steve Spurrier’s ego. Given that this is as important as any college football game can get, and given your clear historical bias, with any further interference from you please be aware that you will be formally charged with drug abuse.

Why? Because we’re tired of being drug and abused by other teams in big games because of you.

So, to avoid any further litigation, for this game the demands of the Dawgnation are simple: just stay the hell out of it.

That’s it. No more, no less. Let the two teams line up mano e mano and may the best team win without any undue influence from you. Given what you’ve done for Alabama to this point that doesn’t seem to be an unreasonable demand at all.

If Alabama wins without some miracle play of your creation with a fifth-string waterboy running a fumble 101 yards backwards for the winning score on the last play of the fourth quarter, then we will gladly acknowledge that they are simply the better team, start saying “just wait until next year” and go back to our regularly scheduled therapy sessions.

We would, however, at that point like to look at your payroll records.

You must know this isn’t that big of a deal to Alabama. It’s just not. They’ve just come to expect playing for the national championship every year, which every other college fan will tell you should be against the law.

As has been clearly illustrated here, for Georgia people this isn’t just a matter of life or death — it’s more important than that.

While restitution has been mentioned, we would like to restate that for the record we, in fact, do not seek restitution or revenge — all we want is a reckoning, a simple settling of accounts.

Just leave this game alone, let it play out on its own, and we will call it even. That’s all we want. Let that happen and we will be satisfied — win or tie.

And that statement is especially for you, Lady Luck. We know you can help the state of Georgia when you want to (Atlanta Braves?). So if you absolutely must smile down on someone on January 10th let it not be on anybody even remotely wearing crimson and white and/or saying “Roll Tide”, OK? Fair enough?

Additionally, please know that on January 10 the entire Dawgnation will be closely monitoring the actions of your fellow board members Faith, Patience, Hope and Destiny. Just saying.

Oh — and Go Dawgs.

Sincerely,

Hairy, Hunker & Siccem, LLC & HBTD