I am not a happy camper at the moment and I am sorely afraid you are going to be disappointed in me. There is no question that I have enormous influence in the industry and can make or break political careers with just a strategically-placed pronoun or the well-aimed interjection of a prepositional determiner.

So why is Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth not including me on his group chats discussing the latest military attack plans to bomb the Houthis in Yemen? After all, he invited the editor-in-chief of the left-leaning, Joe Biden-loving, pro-vaccination-supporting Atlantic Magazine, a liberal publication that probably endorses the U.N.’S New World Order and the microchipping of tree frogs, to sit in on a Signal group chat. Why not a God-fearing, anti-Commie, pro-Tommy gun-supporting, election-denying, red-blooded American patriot? I am talking about me, pilgrim. I’m media, too.

It turns out that Mr. Secretary had another chat on Signal with a group that included his wife, his brother and his personal attorney, I assume to fill them in on developments, as well. That is a head-scratcher to me. Why did he have to put his wife on a group chat? Couldn’t they have handled this with a little pillow talk? (“How was your day today, honey?” “Aw, just more of the same old, same old. I sent a bunch of jet planes to Yemen to blast some Houthians to kingdom come. How about you?” “Nothing special. Got my nails done. Good night, sweetie, and pleasant dreams.” “You, too.”)

I talk to my brother every weekend. He lives in Gainesville. We talk about our kids and grandkids, our various ailments, whose name we saw in the obituaries. Stuff like that. If I told him I had just sent a lot of jet planes to Yemen to blast a bunch of Houthians to kingdom come, it would come across as bragging. To counter that, my brother would probably remind me that he was Mama’s favorite, which he doesn’t consider bragging since it’s the truth.

And why was Hegseth’s personal attorney, Tim Parlatore, on the call? Anytime I call my personal attorney, I get a bill for services rendered as soon as we hang up. I don’t know what kind of services Mr. Parlatore rendered, but I suspect the meter was running. After all, he is a lawyer. (What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? Lawyers charge more.)

One of the duties of the Secretary of Defense, along with overseeing the military, developing national defense policy and managing the Pentagon, is coordinating intelligence activities. Speaking of intelligence, news reports say Hegseth used his private phone, rather than his government one, to access the Signal chat. That was intelligent.

After the first Signal chat became public, the New York Times says the German news publication, Der Spiegel, found Mr. Hegseth’s phone number on the internet. The phone number used by Hegseth in the Signal chat was said to also be found in a number of places, including social media and a fantasy sports site. And probably in Russia, China and Iran, too. Now, they don’t have to spend any money on spy satellites. They can just Google him. Give the guy credit for one thing. He has made “military intelligence” a classic oxymoron.

Speaking of morons, oxy or otherwise, after the first call with the Atlantic Magazine reporter on the line, I referred to that crowd as a bunch of morons. That got me a rebuke from a reader who requested I withdraw that statement. He said, “It’s an easy opinion to have, but it puts you in the same opinion category as (Sen. Chuck) Schumer, (Sen. Cory) Booker and (Rep. Jasmine) Crockett.” It also put me in the same opinion category as Elon Musk, who called Trump’s top trade adviser, Peter Navarro, a moron. Me and Elon Musk. I may not know what is happening with the Houthians, but I can namedrop with the best of them.

If Secretary Hegseth sets up another group chat, I expect to be on it. My brother, too. And my personal attorney. (Although he will probably bill me.) And my kids. In fact, why don’t we all jump on the call? That way, at your next church social or cocktail party, you can tell folks you have inside information on when our fighter jets are scheduled to begin their next bombing runs on the Houthis in Yemen. If they don’t believe you, suggest they talk to Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth personally. That shouldn’t be hard to do. They can find his number on the internet.

You can reach Dick Yarbrough at dick@dickyarbrough.com or at P.O. Box 725373, Atlanta, Georgia 31139.