Many years ago, the late newsman Charles Kuralt noted: “Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel across the country from coast to coast without seeing anything.” 

His reference was that the true beauty of the country was on the backroads. But speed and convenience were the themes. Metaphorically, the backroads were a Monet while the interstates were a velvet Elvis.

Some years back I left Nashville, Tenn., taking the backroads. I visited the Jack Daniels Distillery in Lynchburg, ironically a dry county in those days. I wandered through the low rolling hills and saw “walking horses” prancing along fence rows decorated with crabapple and wild persimmon. An elderly woman was hanging out her wash in one Norman Rockwell setting. And I drove across a shallow stream that flowed over a gravel road. It was referred to as a “wet weather bridge,” only a few inches deep.

I’m not even sure if these roads were on the map. I just used my compass, knowing eventually I would hit Alabama and then West Georgia. If these roads had been on the map, I think they would have been colored green as secondary or farm-to-market routes. Better watch those green roads. You may have to get out occasionally and open a gate. And be sure to close them or the cows might get out.

Like Kuralt noted, you don’t get to see a whole lot from an interstate highway. Mostly billboards.

So this brings me to a recent trip I made to Jacksonville, Fla. I was driving down I-75 to make my connection with I-10 and indeed, I’m viewing billboards. One is telling me where I can get a massage. Truckers get a discount. Another wants me to compare my insurance rates to theirs. One tells me where I can get some really good seafood. Then, lo and behold, one is advertising vasectomies. I kid you not.

Now I was doing about 70 so I couldn’t read all the details. Two doctors, their photos included on the billboard, apparently are offering deals to tie off one’s vas deferens. (I’m assuming they were doctors. I wouldn’t think a couple of plumbers would have a little practice on the side.)

Now typically I think of a billboard as an appeal for me to make an immediate decision such as a place to eat, a place to spend the night or maybe noting that at the next exit I might get a good deal on a new car, given that mine is making noises that could be used in a horror movie.

So I got to wondering just how many people were headed down into Florida and suddenly decided they needed to get a vasectomy?

“Oh yes, I knew I was forgetting something! I turned off the stove and had the mail stopped, but by golly, I forgot to get that vasectomy! I should have made a list!”

No, I would never in a million years have thought of a vasectomy being advertised on a billboard. But it got my attention. So I started reading every billboard along the way. I guess now I was expecting to see a promotion for tonsillectomies, or maybe one that advertised Frank’s Tire Emporium and Circumcision Services.

By the way, let me remind you to have a full tank of gas when you turn off I-75 onto I-10 and head east. It’s a wilderness of pine trees and palmettos. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m glad there are still expanses of nature like this. For many miles, it’s the Osceola National Forest. Motorists are even warned about bears crossing the road. I’ve never seen a bear on that route, but I would like to think they may be just out of sight behind a palmetto thicket. Oh yes, when you gas up prior to this stretch of road you may want to go to the restroom as well. Remember what I said about those bears in the bushes!

Email: dwain.walden@gaflnews.com