I have been a pastoral counselor for 25 years. Marital relationships, finances, youth and children are the main topics a pastoral counselor is called upon to address. Every situation is different and there are no pat answers. It takes prayer and wisdom to help families navigate life’s difficulties. 

Many books have been written on marriage and family, expounding on the scriptures and the latest studies on what it takes to have a great marriage and family. Yet we still struggle to stay married and have good family relationships. Statistics show the divorce rate for first marriages at 41 percent, second marriages at 60 percent and third marriages at 73 percent. Important also is the statistic of 100 divorces every hour. Wow! So, what is a spouse looking for?

A problem with marriage and family is that it is always changing. Just when you think you have all the dynamics figured out something changes. There is a financial crisis, a child leaves home, aging parents need help, a job change occurs, health issues surface, there is an endless flow of events that pressure your marriage and family.

Underneath all of this, there are two basic ingredients that keep a marriage strong; the desire to have someone to love and the desire to have someone to play with. These two desires propel couples to march down the aisle at a rate of 2,077,000 marriages per year in the U.S. It is these two basic desires, someone to love and someone to play with, that get buried in the annoyances of life.

I was reminded of these two basic needs recently when I adopted a puppy for a short season. He was so cute and fluffy and he adored seeing me every morning. He jumped up and down and made puppy noises, inviting me to hold him and snuggle with him. 

He ate his breakfast quickly so we could play. He would chase his miniature tennis balls and bring them back to me every time I threw them. He never tired of playing. He never tired of licking my face and sitting in my lap. He wanted to love and be loved. 

I found myself giggling at these same antics daily and I found myself being excited to throw a ball to a puppy. He mirrored the needs we all have — to love and play. No wonder the pet industry boasted a whopping $62.75 billion in 2016. Someone to love and someone to play with is part of our human DNA and the foundation for all long-lasting, great marriages.

Most couples major on these two desires during courtship. As love blooms in a relationship, spending time together, loving one another and playing together are paramount. During the dating season, there is no end to the time and money we will spend to be with the person we love. We put all other relationships on hold as we get to know our future spouse. But when we get married we begin to conquer life, achieve success and juggle family, forgetting to love, and play with the spouse we have married. How could we be so distracted? How could we forget that what brought us together as husband and wife would be the thing that keeps us together?

Marriage counselors often suggest a weekly date night to couples who are struggling in their marriage. This suggestion is so time will be scheduled for loving and playing. The husband who is too busy at work, hunting or playing sports to spend time with his wife will open the door of temptation for another man who is looking for someone to love and play with. The wife who is too busy with the children, her parents or her social activities will open the door of temptation for another woman who is looking for somebody to love and play with. Separate lives that don’t overlap in love and fun time are destined to become “separate lives.” 

Marriage is not something you conquer and set on a shelf or mount on your wall. It is a living relationship that grows with care and attention. You can’t set marriage in motion and hope that it will sustain itself. Like everything else in this world, it will follow the second law of thermodynamics which says, “the state of entropy (disorder) within a system will increase over time.” 

Just as an ice cube at room temperature begins to melt, we always get older not younger and clean rooms always get messy again, marriages unnurtured will lose their vitality, strength and purpose and will die a slow death. You often hear couples say, ‘We just grew apart.” But what really happened is two people who were once madly in love forgot how to love and play.

So, what is your spouse looking for? It is time to talk and shore up your marriage relationship with love and playtime.