Oh that Atlanta traffic! Even under conditions that are considered standard I’ve never liked driving in that fair city because of the high volume of cars and the virtually nonexistent chance of getting through it in less than four hours. Today, as your read this column it is worse. Much worse. From what I’m told the illustrious Empire City of the South might as well have muddy dirt roads for all the good those superhighways are doing them right now. It is a veritable quagmire of crazed drivers who will do anything to gain twenty feet of ground on their half-day trip to work.

In the space of a couple of weeks at least three events occurred on the interstates of that vaunted town that have turned their roadways into a twenty four hour a day, seven days a week traffic jam of mythical proportions.

Event No. 1 is reported to have occurred following a crack smoking seminar under I-85 causing a fire that looked like a terrorist attack had taken place. That fire incinerated the highway and took out a chunk of concrete and steel big enough to build a small skyscraper. Now that’s a lot of crack.

Event No. 2 followed swiftly and involved two fools. One was a tractor-trailer rig carrying chemicals on the downtown connector. He was not even supposed to be there. Under the new rules in the post-I-85 debacle period he was supposed to be on I-285 but I guess he decided to take a shortcut. The other dude was driving an SUV and had no license. The two idiots had a wreck causing a shutdown of the main artery through Atlanta initiating another round of migraines.

Then to top it off a tunnel digging endeavor under I-20 went awry. Concrete being pumped into that subterranean passage busted a pipeline and the result was a six foot upward bulge in the roadway. The newscast on that particular motorway fiasco noted that a motorcyclist shot up that ramp and injured himself. If it was one of those dudes who speeds down I-20 weaving through cars, doing wheelies and going a hundred miles an hour then maybe he’ll learn to slow down and be a little more careful. If it wasn’t one of those crazy chaps then I hope he’s OK.

So you get the picture. Every weekday morning when the commuters head out to work they have to leave two hours ahead of time in hopes of getting to work in a punctual manner. Unfortunately those tactics are not working. A report released this week on the current state of Atlanta traffic had some dire results. Every employer surveyed noted that their respective workforces were all late for work on a daily basis — on average they showed up at lunchtime just in time to dip out for a quick sandwich. As for the education system in Fulton County I imagine that school days are taking a hit. I can envision hair being pulled from school bus driver’s heads trying to get their charges to school on time and can just imagine the volume of tardy students with built in excuses. Assistant principals are earning their keep right now.

Luckily I have been viewing this fiasco from afar. I turn on the morning news and the live traffic cams have one thing in common — cars sitting still on the interstates. One day a reporter noted that I-75 South was backed up to Macon, I-75 North was at a standstill back to Chattanooga, I-20 was backed up to Madison, and I-85 was deserted.

If viewed from the air it doubtless looks like there is an imminent probability of nuclear war and everyone is trying to get out. With all the stuff going on it’s hard to imagine that anyone’s actually trying to go there.  

With the way Atlanta’s luck is running what could possibly be next? The disintegration of Stone Mountain? A MOAB (Mother of all bombs) hitting I-75 at rush hour? Another crack smoking roundtable assembly? Anything is possible when Old Man fate has turned a blind eye on you.

You don’t have to be trained as a doctor of logic to see where the answer lies in this conundrum. It is quite clear to the naked eye that the current driving conditions in Atlanta are hazardous both to your health and state of mind so why would you even think about going there? I can guarantee you that I won’t be anywhere near that place in the foreseeable future.

It may not be Armageddon just yet but Collapseageddon has been suggested as an appropriate name for the sorry state of the Atlanta roadways.

And I agree.

Send your traffic updates to dar8589@bellsouth.net