We got a very odd package in the mail a couple of weeks ago.

My lovely wife went out to the mailbox and, among all the bills and flyers to buy one footlong, get one free coupons, was a small package.

We hadn’t ordered anything from the company listed as the return address. But being the curious people we are and completely forgetting about the documentary we watched recently where people were being sent anthrax in the mail, she decided to open it.

Thankfully, it wasn’t anthrax or fentanyl. We dodged a bullet on that one. No, instead of poison, the package contained two tiny glass vials for us to do an ‘at home’ blood and urine test. They came from our health insurance company.

My wife looked at me and said. “You want to this do this?”

Now, I’m not the kind of person to say no to a challenge. I swallowed a live goldfish once. And if you tell me I can’t run a 5k race, I’ll show up in my flip flops, my cutoff blue jeans, and give it a try.

The last 5k I participated in, I came in last but only because the guy who I passed near the end had a heart attack.

But this challenge would be more difficult than running 3.1 miles in flip flops.

The vials were very tiny- about the width of a pencil.

I figured I could fill up the urine vial. It would be messy. I don’t have a very good track record in that department, especially at truck stop bathrooms where I inevitably miss the urinal and splash my feet.

But the blood vial? That would be difficult.

I looked back at the instructions and there was no mention of how exactly I was supposed to get enough blood to fill that little vial.

I tried to figure out the best method for the bloodletting.

My first thought was just going down to the barn and using a power tool. For those who follow this weekly screed, you know that me and power tools don’t get along very well.

I have learned how to mangle myself with saws, drills, hammers and all manner of power tools. I’ve been so clumsy, I’m on a first name basis with most of the folks at the ER. I’m surprised they never gave me a punch card.

Make four visits to stitch up something and get the fifth one free.

All I would have to do is flip on the table and alas, there would enough blood to fill several of those small vials.

I thought that was a little drastic. Maybe I should just climb a ladder. Head wounds always bleed really well.

But after my last doctor’s visit, I was told not to get on a ladder. Not even a little step ladder. If I wanted to go up in the air, I would need to buy a plane ticket.

But not on Spirit. Every time you fly with that airline, you risk the chance of excessive bleeding. Or having your face burned off. Neither of those are good.

I thought about sticking my hand down into the trash disposal. I’ve never done that before and it would be a new experience. And I could use my new punch card.

Cool.

In the end, I decided not to do the blood vial part. If those vampires wanted some blood, they could come get it.

I handed the package to my wife and told her ‘you’re up’- she politely declined and threw the packages into the trash.

So, there will no in-home tests for me.

If the insurance company want to get either of those fluids, they will have to follow me into a truck stop bathroom. Or just hand me a knife.

Maybe they will send me a package to do at-home eye surgery. Or maybe a kit to take out my liver.

Those would sure be a lot easier than trying to pee into a vial.

And I would probably have to use a knife.

Nope.