My lovely wife and I had an anniversary this past Friday. We have been married 322,880 hours.

Most people mark their anniversary in years. So, if I subscribe to social norms, we have been married for 38 years.

I like to count it in hours.

It makes me sound like I’ve really accomplished something. Like climbing Mt. Everest.

Not that being married to my wife feels like climbing Mt. Everest. It’s more like climbing a smaller mountain.

Maybe Mt. McKinley.

A lot of people have come to me over the years to ask for advice on how to have such a long marriage.

It’s easy, I tell them. Just don’t die.

That’s basically all you have to do. Avoid shooting or stabbing each other. Don’t drink anything that tastes like antifreeze. And if your spouse suggests you go skydiving, insist that she jump out of the plane first.

Okay, maybe it is a little more complicated than that, but not much.

So what do I say to people when asked how to stay married for so long? Short of not dying?

Well, here is my general advice for all you younger folks who are trying to make it to 332,880 hours.

Number one: learn to shut up.

Many marriages come to an unfortunate end because neither of the parties cannot keep their fat yap shut.

I learned long time ago that the best way to win an argument is not to talk. Let your spouse yell at you until a big fat vein pops out on their forehead. But just keep your mouth shut.

It’s really hard to argue with silence. And this technique is also great at driving your spouse insane. That’s a bonus.

Number Two: Don’t touch the thermostat.

Approximately 16,972 people were murdered last year during fights over the thermostat.

I turn down the temperature. My wife turns it back up.

For a while, it was a battle around our house. I would sneak out in the middle of the night and turn it down to 68. The next morning, my wife would turn it back up to 74.

This went on for several years until I finally realized that I would never win this battle. So I just quit.

If she wants the thermostat to be set on 74, that’s fine with me. She will just have to be okay with me being naked.

All the time.

Number Three: Don’t spit your toenails on the floor.

When you bite your toenails, the natural thing to do is spit them out on the floor, right?

Don’t do that.

Sure, it’s not hygienic. But more than that, it irritates women. I didn’t find this out until I had been married a while and spit out a big, fat toenail onto the living room rug.

My wife’s reaction was swift.

“Are you a caveman?”

We had only been married a couple of years so I wasn’t sure if this was a test. So I played it safe.

“Huh?”

The look she gave me could have melted the Arctic icecap.

Ad a result of that stare, I have not trimmed my toenails since 1995. I can climb a pine tree faster than a squirrel.

It is obvious that I am not a marriage counselor. Regardless, I actually do know the secret to how to have a long and happy marriage.

Marry your friend.

You won’t stay lovers for long. Familiarity. Children. Stress. All those chip away at the level of romance in your life. But there is no expiration date on friendship.

My wife is my best friend. When it comes down to it, she is really my only true friend. Most of my old friends have faded away or moved on with their lives, but not my wife.

She is still here. After 332,880 hours, 13,870 days and 38 years, she is still the one person I want to spend time with.

Now, don’t get my wrong. I love my wife. I really do. But I like her more.

And that is the true key to success in marriage.

Marry someone you like. They may not be the most beautiful or the richest prospect out there but the one thing I have learned after 38 years is this.

Like is a stronger emotion than love.

They don’t write a lot of songs or romance novels about ‘like.’ Even though I think ‘Like, Like Me Do’ would have been a big hit for the Beatles. I guess because it’s not sexy or exciting. But I can tell you that you can like someone a lot longer than you can love them.

And hopefully, they will like you, too.

As long as you shut up, put on pants when your mother-in-law comes over, and stop spitting your toenails on the rug.

Just like the Beatles say, all you need is like.