My lovely wife and I love movies. We’ve probably seen thousands together in the 39 years we’ve been together.

I like action films like Rambo and John Wick. She likes horror and thrillers.

So, we watch a lot of horror and thriller movies.

And during all of those years, I have come to the conclusion that there are a few things that happen in every movie.

I don’t know if these are things that are required to be in every movie by the Motion Picture Association or not. Regardless, I see these things in virtually every movie.

First, there is always a character who chops vegetables. Not just any vegetables. Carrots.

I had no idea that people ate so many carrots. They can be cooking Italian food, Mexican food or even Thai, and there are always carrots.

Maybe it’s the crunch the carrots make when you slice through them on a cutting board. I don’t know why, I just know, if movies reflect life, everyone in the world eats carrots at every meal.

And you can tell what’s going to happen next in the movie by ‘how’ they chop the carrots.

If a woman chops them loudly and with a scowl on her face, you can be sure that she is going to use that knife on her husband before the movies ends.

If a man is chopping carrots slowly and meticulously, that means he is trying to seduce his guest.

Nothing says romance liked a big plate of stewed carrots.

Another thing I have noticed is how clean people’s teeth are in movies. Not because they are pearly white teeth covered with veneers. No, it is because they are always brushing them.

At some point in every movie, a couple will be getting ready for bed and one of them is in the bathroom brushing their teeth, always involved in an animated conversation.

If it’s the wife, you can expect her to come out of that bathroom angry. If it’s the husband, he’s trying to hide something.

Like he slept with the baby sitter.

Now, if they are brushing their teeth at the same time, it means they are in love. Especially if they are sharing a small mirror.

In all of the years my beautiful wife and I have been married, I cannot remember one time we brushed our teeth shoulder to shoulder in front of a mirror.

She has brushed her teeth while I was in the other room. And then got angry when I couldn’t understand what she was yelling at me about all the way in the kitchen.

And the last thing I have noticed is that everyone in movies drinks coffee.

Black. Always black.

The last person I knew who drank black coffee was my father and he passed away fifteen years ago.

Since his time, humans have evolved to have things like Splenda and Coffee Mate Cinnamon Dolce Salted Caramel creamer.

Or, if the coffee drinkers are all women, there’s always one poor soul (usually an intern) who is sent to get everyone some kind of some double late frappe soy milk things.

The poor intern comes back, magically balancing twelve Grande cups on a paper plate.

Oddly, no one ever complains that they got no-fat turnip milk in their coffee. They just smile and drink it.

Why does no one ever drink creamer in movies? I love coffee, but if there is no creamer and sugar, I’ll just pour down the sink.

You watch. A character orders coffee and another character pours them some sludge that has been sitting in the pot since Clinton was president.

And they drink it. They don’t yell, ‘this is horrible,’ or ‘are you trying to kill me?’ They just drink it.

That’s just not normal.

If they were to hand that to me in a movie, I would probably yell ‘CUT’ and refuse to come out of my trailer until three things happen.

First, no carrots on set. If a person wants to chop something, give them a rutabaga.

Second, everyone brushes their teeth before coming to work. And if I must brush my teeth in the movie, it better be in front of a six-inch mirror with Scarlett Johansson.

And my last demand would be don’t hand me black coffee unless you want me to spit it in Scarlett’s face.

I’ll take a double shot frappe salted pumpkin spice caramel macchiato with yak milk whip and no foam.

And it better have a paper straw.