International Space Station (ISS): Hello, Houston, Starliner crew Butch Wilmore and Sunita Williams here. Any word on when we can return home?

Houston: Hey, guys. We know you set out on an eight-day mission in June 2024 and, because of some issues with our Boeing-built Starliner spacecraft, you’ve been stranded for nearly nine months. Just know we’re working hard to get you home, over!

ISS: “Issues,” Houston? What issues are setting us back this time, over?

Houston: Nothing to worry about, guys. Something about helium leaks in the propulsion system and malfunctions with the control thrusters. Hey, you wouldn’t happen to have any duct tape on board, over?

ISS: Houston, in 2014 NASA awarded Boeing $4.2 billion to develop Starliner — a LOT of money — yet it’s been a disaster from the start, over.

Houston: That’s regrettably true, guys. In 2019, Starliner’s first mission failed to reach the ISS due to a software glitch that caused fuel to burn incorrectly. NASA called it a “high-visibility close call” — almost a near disaster! Hey, do you have any twine on board, over?

ISS: You’re killing us, Houston. NASA should be embarrassed that we can’t come home because Starliner has problems yet again. These ongoing issues illustrate too well how NASA has become an ineffective bureaucratic mess, over!

Houston: That is regrettably true, too, guys. In the early days of space exploration, NASA was the pinnacle of innovation and risk-taking. We pulled off incredible missions to the Moon with computers less powerful than a modern calculator. NASA scientists and engineers were competent and courageous. Hey, you wouldn’t happen to have any Gorilla Glue up there, over?

ISS: Houston, I suppose NASA just evolved the way all government programs do. As it succeeded, its budget grew. It attracted more bureaucrats and government oversight. Before long, it was bogged down by lots of committees, regulations and layers of management. Its culture of innovation and problem-solving gave way to a culture of worry and risk avoidance, over.

Houston: That happened to Boeing too, guys. It was once an engineering powerhouse run by engineers who produced numerous aerospace innovations. Today, it’s a bloated, bureaucratic mess, struggling with failed projects, safety scandals and a total dependence on government money. You wouldn’t happen to have any twist ties up there, over?

ISS: I suppose it’s inevitable that innovative new private companies, such as SpaceX, Blue Origin and others, are the true aerospace stars now. They’re making spaceflight faster, safer and more innovative for a fraction of the cost of the legacy contractors, over.

Houston: You got that right, guys. In fact, since it doesn’t appear we have a clue how to fix Starliner —unless you can find some rubber bands — Elon Musk and his company SpaceX will bring you home in their Crew Dragon capsule this March. Crew Dragon has been flying successful missions since 2020, over.

ISS: Hallelujah, Houston! I guess the mantle has been passed. The era of government-backed aerospace bureaucracy is over. The era of private companies competing to advance space innovation is underway, over.

Houston: We had a good run while it lasted, guys. One last thing: You wouldn’t happen to have a rusty old coat hanger up there, over?

See Tom Purcell’s syndicated column, humor books and funny videos featuring his dog, Thurber, at TomPurcell.com. Email him at Tom@TomPurcell.com.