A funny thing happened this week. Well not funny but at least though-provoking. I had an appointment one day at 4 p.m. and left the house at around 1 to go to town and run some errands before heading to that appointment. When I left my house I was on Daylight saving Time because we had changed all the clocks last Saturday night. However, after settling into my car I, without giving it a single thought, instantly reverted to Eastern Standard Time because I had failed to “spring forward” the clock in my vehicle. So I merrily set about running those errands, and when finished I noticed on my trusty clock that I still had time to get my daily walk in. I parked the car, got out and as is my normal operating procedure, checked the time on my cellphone so I’d know how long I walked. To my horror the time on my cellphone read 4:15.

So I missed my appointment.    

After reporting this incident to my wife we decided to have a serious discussion and I felt like those thoughts were worth passing along to those of you who are, shall we say, closer to the end than to the beginning in terms of lifespan — and whether you are currently on Daylight Saving Time or Eastern Standard Time.

As you might guess the title of our discussion could have been entitled “What Are We Going to Do When We Get Old.”  

Thus our conversation covered a wide range of topics from wills, to housing arrangements, to finances, and we even covered the dreaded plug pulling scenario. Despite all these intriguing themes the most fascinating issue that came up concerned what we would need to do for each other on a day to day basis in case of mental incapacitation.

That issue was intriguing to me, and as we got down to the nitty gritty of the idea we decided to make a list of stuff we would do for each other in case one of us flew over the cuckoo’s nest.

For example I suggested to her that if I had taken on the traits of a nutty fruitcake she should probably put in one of those invisible electric fences or buy me a shock collar so that when I was riding the lawnmower or doing other outside chores I wouldn’t drive the mower over into Greene County or wander off and go swimming in Lake Oconee. I did ask that she keep the electrified fence on low power but for some reason she just smiled at that idea.

I also added a few more requests on little things she could do for me if I was unable to do them for myself. 

1. Be sure to shine and polish my dentures each day so that the tobacco stains won’t show. And also remove those dentures if they get stuck when I take a bite of steak. 
2. Change my diapers regularly.
3. Sell my weedeater, chainsaw, shotguns and john boat because I could envision scenarios in which those items would be dangerous to my well-being or to the well-being of others.
4. Don’t feed me English peas, broccoli, prunes or tacos because I don’t like how they taste and they tend to have a negative impact on my gastric system.
5. Push my rocking chair to help get it going.

These were just a few of the things I thought of right out of the gate but I’m sure there are plenty more and as I continued reflecting on the matter there were other ideas that came to mind. I don’t want her to put black socks and sandals on me under any circumstances, I want her to shave my ears real good because I doubt if I’ll need a haircut, and it would be nice to have a dog so we could drool on each other.

My wife didn’t want to make a list for herself right then. She wanted to think about it, map out an organizational chart and then form a committee to figure out what her requests would be. Since that takes a long time I came up with my own idea; I’ll let her go live with the kids. That way she can pay them back for all the joy they brought us. She can write on their walls with crayons, bounce up and down on the furniture, leave the toilets unflushed, play in the mud outside and then track it through the house, leave clothes all over the floor, and never wash dishes — with no consequences whatsoever. It will be great for everyone concerned — and she won’t have to wear a shock collar.

Now that we are through making these lists I’ve been thinking that maybe we’ve got more time than we thought. Maybe we’re a little premature in thinking these gloomy thoughts. Maybe we’ll both live to be a ripe old age with our faculties intact. Then we’ll be thinking like the great comedian George Burns who once said, “If I’d known I was going to live this long I’d have taken better care of myself.”  

But probably not.

Better get back to work on those lists.

Email your tips on aging gracefully to dar8589@bellsouth.net.