THOMASVILLE — Every day, a woman who was not expecting to get pregnant is faced with the decision of whether or not the child she is carrying is meant to be her blessing or someone else’s. Those who give up their children for the greater good are sometimes looked down upon or their reasons for the choice are misunderstood.

Three Georgia women who have faced this difficult decision sat down at the Open Door Adoption Agency in Thomasville to talk about the process and why they took the route they did.

Anne’s* Story (name has been changed)

Anne, 25, is currently pregnant with her third child.

“I fell in love with a guy and about three months later I found out I was pregnant,” she said. “I contacted Open Door Adoption Agency because the father of the child is no longer in the picture and I can’t handle the responsibility of another child.”

Her family thinks she will regret the decision, but she said her mind is made up because she wants what is best for the child’s well-being. Anne feels that her child would have a better life with someone who is more financially secure.

“This is the biggest decision I will ever have to make in my life so far, but you never know what the future has in store for you,” she said.

Karen’s Story

Karen Bishop, 46, got pregnant in 1977 when she was 19 and unmarried. She was at a loss about what to do. The father left the area and she knew she did not want to marry him. Her parents offered their help but left the decision to her. Bishop went to a maternity home for three months where she had the chance to change her mind.

“I really had to think about what was best for the child before what I wanted for me because the easy thing in my mind would have been to keep the baby,” she said.

People told her it was her responsibility and that no one should give up a part of themselves. Bishop, however, had not finished her education and wanted her child to have two parents.

“I cared enough about the child to do the hard thing, and that was give the baby a life apart from me to give the child the best,” she said.

On April 7, 1977 at 5:09 a.m. Bishop gave birth to a baby girl, 7 lbs. and 19 inches long. She decided to see the baby once to know what was a part of her for so long.

“I wanted to remember the face,” she said, stating how she wanted to hold her one time, pray, ask God to give her a good family and help her with the years ahead. Bishop’s daughter was placed May 11, 1977, and her adoptive parents named her Allison. Bishop said it was tough to go home, and she could not really talk about what had happened. For this reason, she began seeing a female counselor with whom she is still very close. For a long time, she knew nothing about what had happened to the daughter she gave up. The case worker left the agency and Karen figured everything was closed.

Bishop married in 1978 and had three more kids, a son, 23, a daughter, 21, and a son, 16. She became a stay-at-home mom, home-schooled her children and got divorced in 1994 (she has since remarried). One day she watched a show called “Reunion” and wanted to find out about her daughter. She wrote the agency that handled her case and, 10 days later, received a large package from it with pictures of Allison as a baby and information. Allison’s adoptive mother wrote Karen and gave her a detailed account of Allison’s life and pictures. Karen felt she could not show them to anybody in her family but didn’t feel like she should have to hide them, so she showed them to friends who knew about the situation.

In 1997, the agency patched through a phone call from Allison’s adoptive father who wanted to discuss Karen’s family medical history because Allison was having problems with her joints. They talked for hours. Karen wrote a few update letters and a year or so passed before she received another call, a very important call. Allison had found an envelope at her dad’s office from the agency and knew it was about her. Her adoptive parents had always let her know she was adopted. Allison called her dad and said she wanted to open the letter. Bishop had sent cards, presents and other items to the agency for Allison over the years for the agency to send to the adoptive parents. Allison did not know about the stuff Karen had been sending and, after reading the letter, asked her father for the rest of it. Included was a journal Karen wrote to Allison explaining why she had given her up and asking Allison to write to her in the journal, too. After Allison finished looking through the items, she wrote her birth mother a detailed account of her feelings. Today, Karen has the journal in her possession.

Allison wanted to meet Karen and, after speaking on the phone, they set up a time. Karen vividly recalls the day she went to Allison’s college to meet her. On the day she held her for the only time, Karen had kissed Allison on the cheek and, on the day they met again, she kissed her daughter on the other cheek. Bishop accidentally got lipstick on Allison’s cheek but her daughter would not wipe it off and kept it all day. They spent their time catching up and Allison got to discover the physical similarities between them and find out how much she acted like the woman who had given her life. “Because I made that good decision, she was raised by two loving parents who could afford to put her through college,” said Bishop of her decision. Allison is now an architect and married to a professional soccer player. Though Karen spent many nights crying, she has never regretted her decision or second-guessed it because she knew God was going to bless her. On the day her daughter Jennifer was born she found that blessing. “I felt like the lord gave me back my little girl,” she said, claiming her relationship with God was her main strength to stick to her decision. “I know that I did the right thing,” she said. “I don’t have to wonder. She’s a beautiful, productive member of society who thanked me. Everything I wanted to have happen did.”

Jackie’s* Story (name has been changed)

Jackie, 22, was already raising two sons when she became pregnant with her daughter. Jackie had dropped out of school and was staying with her mother. Everything was going good for a while but the father of her two sons got into trouble and was placed behind bars. Things fell apart at home and she moved in with an aunt for a while. Jackie’s sons got taken away by DFCS and, while she was fighting to get them back and after she returned to school, she met the father of her daughter. When she got pregnant, Jackie had a tough decision to make. At first, she was against adoption. “I never thought it was right, somebody giving up their baby,” she said, but eventually realized that having another child was not an option for her at the time. “I cannot do this,” she said, remembering the thoughts that went through her head. “I cannot have a baby and take care of the two that I have right now.” Because she was pregnant again, the possibility that she would get her sons back would be slim so Jackie decided to give her daughter up for adoption. “It’s not the point that I wanted them back and not her, it’s the point that I was trying to get them back too,” she said. Jackie looked in the phone book, found the Open Door Adoption Agency and called Betty Elkins.

There were a few hang-ups. Jackie’s mother did not want her to give up the child and she herself had doubts about what she should do. She decided to give up the baby but changed her mind and got her daughter back. Things did not work out like Jackie expected and, after two weeks, she surrendered her daughter for good to the agency. “I can’t give her as much as she needs to have,” said Jackie of her choice. She knew her daughter would have a better home and other necessities that she could not provide. She originally chose a different adoptive family but, after looking at the life books the agency has prospective parents make, she decided on the family that now has her daughter. “I’m glad that I did it now because I know that she’s well taken care of,” said Jackie, stating that she had to focus on taking care of the two sons she already had and making a life for them and herself. Jackie is now getting her life on track, living with another aunt with her two sons and finishing her education.

Should Adopted Kids Know the Truth?

Both mothers who have already surrendered their child to adoptive parents felt that those parents should tell the child the truth. Both have been in contact with their daughters and their adoptive parents. “In my situation, she would know that she is adopted,” said Jackie, whose daughter has already been placed for about two years in a loving home. Karen felt that the child should be told from the start. “I don’t think there’s any reason why they shouldn’t, right from the baby stage on up,” she said, citing how she felt there was a certain amount of rejection all adopted kids feel at some point in their lives that they have to come to terms with before putting it behind them. Bishop felt that once the child understands why he or she was placed for adoption, that rejection will be gone.

Adoption, Not Abortion

Karen and Jackie had advice for girls who are pregnant and agonizing over whether to keep the child, abort or surrender for adoption. “I would tell her that, at first, it might be a bad thing but, at the end, she won’t regret it,” said Jackie. “Adoption is not all bad. It’s a very good choice, a wise choice. If you know that you can’t provide for this child, you don’t have to turn to abortion. Adoption.” Karen Bishop admitted to a split second of indecision where she thought about abortion but immediately realized it was not the solution. Adoption was the stronger choice. Bishop had people who offered to help but, though she had never experienced motherhood, she still knew that something was not right with the equation and that it was her responsibility to balance it out. “Think about who’s going to be the one late at night rocking that baby and the ultimate responsibility falls on you,” said Bishop. “Adoption is a wonderful choice. It is giving life and knowing you can lay your head on the pillow at night knowing you did a wonderful thing by providing a precious little one with a life, with a mom and daddy.” She also said that no matter what the situation, it was her personal belief that the girl should never abort a child. Bishop has even spoken with or known girls who were victims of rape or incest who have surrendered their babies for adoption and gone on to live good lives. “Surrender the baby and continue on because God already gave that little precious life inside you,” she said.

Misrepresenting Birth Mothers

While the birth mothers are sometimes seen as “bad seeds” or in an unfavorable light, these three know that they are making or have made the right decision. Bishop felt that birth mothers are sometimes given a bad rep but that it was not important. “I do but I personally am happy and proud that I did what I did,” she said. “I really don’t care what other people think about my choice. To me, the selfish choice is ‘I’m keeping it’.” But she did say there were a few things she would like to say to the people who think birth mothers who give up their children are bad people. Jackie held a similar viewpoint. “To me I don’t care what they think,” she said. “They’re not going to be the ones taking care of that baby if you do keep it. You probably can’t even find them when you do keep it. It doesn’t matter. It was my decision.” Jackie said that if she had not made the decision to surrender her daughter for adoption, the system would have taken her and she may not have ended up in the kind of home she deserves. Because Jackie got to choose the adoptive parents of her daughter, she feels that she was able to provide a loving, stable home for her, even though she could not personally provide it. Anne had a different take on the matter. “I’ve never really heard any negative talk about adoption,” she said.

Adoption as the Right Choice

All the birth mothers had praise for adoption. “It was the best thing even if it wasn’t the easiest thing,” said Bishop of her decision. Her daughter was placed with a loving mom and dad who raised her and always made sure that she knew she was special. “The way I feel about the adoption is that I am blessing a family that cannot have any children,” said Jackie. Anne also felt that she was doing what was best for everyone involved. “I am doing what is in the best interest of my child’s future and my two children now,” she said.

Anyone wanting more information about adoption or the Open Door Adoption Agency should call (229) 228-6339.

*Names have been changed to protect the birth mothers’ privacy