Anybody got a Sam’s Club card? I need a barrel of Pepto-Bismol to curb the nausea Congress is causing me with its efforts to reform health care in this country.

I’d also like to buy 536 packages of Q-tips to send to Washington, D.C., — one for each member of the House and Senate, plus one for President Barack Obama. It is obvious that many of them have a serious hearing problem. I’m no doctor, but I think the disorder is called malignant liberalitis.

My shopping list wouldn’t be complete without a few pallets of Alka-Seltzer Plus. That’s for the folks whose heads have been clogged by the ridiculous notion that the reform plans being pushed by prominent Democrats are going to save money.

These poor souls could probably use some Visine, too. It might help them see that the Rose Garden news conferences filled with doctors supporting the costly plans were handpicked by the Obama administration and are choreographed better than any award-winning Broadway show.

Fortunately, most Americans realize that the projected cost estimates being tossed around in Washington aren’t realistic. Nearly all government programs cost billions more than originally projected. I offer Medicare, on track to go bankrupt in just seven years, as a prime example.

It’s hard to understand why most of the folks inside the Beltway don’t get it. Even MSNBC, the most government-controlled media outlet since Cold War Pravda, showed a Quinnipiac poll on Thursday that indicated 53 percent of Americans oppose the reform bill passed by the House last week.

That poll, and there are others that show similar results, suggests that the people who constantly rant against the local Freedom Line rallies are wrong. The group that meets occasionally in front of Rep. Sanford Bishop’s Thomasville office is not a small band of right-wing nuts who are selfishly trying to deny health care to poor people. It is a local representation of the majority of Americans who have had it with government spending.

The Freedom Line is not against health care reform. It simply wants reform that doesn’t allow the government to hijack another sector of the economy and interfere with personal decisions while increasing America’s tax burden.

The United States is an unimaginable financial canyon. That’s why it’s past time to remember the first rule for people who find themselves in deep holes — stop digging.

Increasing government spending at a time of record deficits makes about as much sense as a doctor telling a lung cancer patient, “Go ahead. I think smoking an extra carton of cigarettes a day will be good for you.”

Democrats and Republicans have a lot of common ground on which to build reform legislation. The points of agreement ought to be the focus of a bill that could be rushed to Obama’s desk, not “public options” and abortion provisions that impede progress.

Using history as a guide, a “public option” for insurance will likely increase costs and reduce individual liberties and choices for patients, especially those happy with the policies they have. It will also create another opening for a growing number of people clamoring for government handouts?

Health care is not a right. It is a need that is best managed by the free market. Additional government intervention will make the system worse.

The Democrats’ cure for health care is worse than the disease. As soon as health care is considered a right, food and shelter will be next.

At that point, we might as well pull the plug on the American taxpayer.